Defrazzling your Marriage
All marriages are happy it's living together afterwards that causes all the problems.
~Raymond Hull (no relation!)
Before I got married at the ripe old age of 30, I read every book, magazine article, and “Dear Abby” column on marriage. That, of course, made me the expert, as my brand new husband hadn't read any. It was, therefore, up to me to teach him how to be a husband, right?
Wrong! I found out the hard way that instructing my husband in the art of marriage can quickly lead to stress, strife, and sorrow. I realized I needed to change my attitude and my behaviour if we were going to survive the first year!
Fifteen years into a very happy marriage, I have learned a few good lessons that I'd like to share with you. Here are 5 secrets to a happy marriage:
1. Don't assume you know it all. Many people go into marriage believing they know exactly what it should look like and feel like, and they spend their whole married lives trying to convince their spouses to mold to that image. Ain't happening! Take time to figure out what works for your particular situation - every relationship is different. Your needs don't supersede your spouse's needs. You have to find a balance.
2. Give each other room to be human. Did he come home from a bad day at work and take it out on you? Recognize where the anger is coming from, and instead of reacting with harsh words and sarcasm, react with gentle words by acknowledging that he's had a bad day, and asking if there's anything you can do to make things easier. And guys - this works the other way, too, if your wife comes home like that.
3. Schedule daily time to talk. Not always “deep, spill your guts on the floor” talking, just connect each day. Most days my husband and I share coffee in bed before we get up. He then calls me around lunch time each day just to see how things are progressing with my day, and in the evening we usually share another cup of coffee and brief chat after supper.
4. Never go to bed angry. This is ancient wisdom that comes from the Bible, and it's dead-on. If you can both relax and listen instead of jumping all over each other in anger, you will be able to solve most problems in a day. Things that take longer to solve must be left in a place where you're still willing to fall asleep snuggled up together. It's hard, but it can be done. Invite mediation in the form of counsel from professionals, religious leaders, and/or wise friends when you can't get past something.
5. Make love, often. Women tend to complain that all men think about is sex, and men complain that their wives never want it. The truth is, sex is a very powerful tool for building your marriage relationship, and it's the only thing keeping you from being just roommates. It's just as hard for a woman to gear herself up for sex when she's “not in the mood” as it is for men to work on romance when they're tired and stressed. You both have to give. In fact the best advice is: one night it's sex his way, one night it's sex her way, and one night it's just “pleasuring each other” with no sex. Follow that pattern every week and you'll be glowing!
And there you are - 5 great ways to improve your marriage over the month of February! Remember, no one gets married knowing exactly how to make things work. It's a project - like raising kids - you figure it out as you go along. It's hard work, but what a reward you'll reap!
Darlene Hull
Darlene Hull is a happily married, Homeschooling mom who is also a speaker, workshop facilitator, writer, and the creator of the Mom-Defrazzler THE resource website for stressed-out moms.
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