Defrazzled Parenting
The hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached to someone who isn't getting enough sleep
~John Fiebig
There was a time when parenting was done in community. You had extended family around you, probably a solid group of fellow church goers, and a village where most people were known by their neighbors.
Not so anymore. Many families don't even know the neighbors on their streets, most are no longer involved in church activities, and family members are often hours - if not days - away. In addition, most families these days are headed up by just one parent instead of two. That's a pretty heavy load.
Parenting will never be easy, but for those of you needing a helping hand, here are some ideas for gaining a bit of a footing as a parent:
1. Know what you want. We moms spend an incredible amount of time planning the perfect birth only to discover that we have no clear idea on where we're headed with our kids. Sit down and ask yourself this question: “What does 'successful parenting' look like? What would it take for me to consider myself a successful parent?” I realized I wanted my own kids to have a solid faith foundation that was their own, be able to deal with any social group, understand and use finances wisely, know how to reach their own dreams, and have a sense of adventure about life. That's what I've set out to do with them.
2. Know what you have to offer. This goes hand in hand with the last point - know who you are and what you have to offer your kids. Whatever your gifts, talents and skills are, are the things your kids need from you. Are you a great homemaker? Pass it on. Are you great at personal discipline? Pass it on. Your kids don't have to be all things to all people. Do what you do best, offer that well, and don't worry too much about the rest of it. Kids will gain the skills they need to survive - you did, didn't you?
3. Set clear boundaries. Knowing the answers to the first question will enable you to set clear boundaries. Hold those boundaries with a very firm hand. When kids challenge them, allow them to do so with respect presenting information to back up their desires - not just with rebellion. Let them “present their case”. Listen well, and give in where it makes sense. Let them feel heard.
4. Speak with respect. Just because they're your kids doesn't mean you can call them names, command things from them like an army general, or speak to them without common courtesies. Children live what they learn. Ask them politely to do what needs to be done - be willing to work with them on many of those tasks. Remember to say “please” and “thank you”. Speak to them as you would speak to a best friend or co-worker that you admire. Don't speak rudely or shout empty threats at them.
5. Love them well. If your kids get nothing from you but a sense of being deeply loved and valued as a person, you will have succeeded as a parent. All the sports lessons, music lessons, honour roll achievements, and blue ribbons will not make up for a child feeling unloved or unvalued. Start telling your kids daily that you appreciate them. Praise them for any decision that shows character and compassion. Brag about them to your friends. Thank them for things they've done well. Hug them often.
6. Ask for help. Parenting was never intended to be a “lone ranger” kind of thing. All of us hit moments where we don't know how to move forward. Ask trusted friends, Religious leaders, counselors for good advice and the help to remain accountable to what you're trying to accomplish.
Parenting isn't easy. Instead of criticizing the poor mom who's struggling with her kids, come alongside and give her a hand. When you're about to hit a wall, call a friend and get some help. Remember to breathe deeply, pick your fights, and look for - and celebrate - the good stuff instead of wallowing in the bad stuff.
You can do it!
Darlene Hull
Darlene Hull is a happily married, Homeschooling mom who is also a speaker, workshop facilitator, writer, and the creator of the Mom-Defrazzler THE resource website for stressed-out moms.
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