Defrazzle Your Parenting
You can learn many things from children. How much patience
you have, for instance.
~Franklin P. Jones
In a hurry? Jump right to the part you need:
When my husband and I had been married for about a year my doctor told me, based on my age (31) the fact that this would be my first pregnancy, and the fact that my husband and I have the rhesus factor (he's O+ and I'm O-), that we would most likely have difficulty carrying a pregnancy to term. If we wanted a family, she suggested we get started.
Nine months later, my son was born.
When my son (and firstborn) was 8 months old I received a book that showed me how to raise a highly intelligent, very skilled (i.e. music, art, and physical skill, etc.) child by starting certain activities right from birth. I remember panicking that he was already 8 months old and that I'd missed all those opportunities so far. I spent weeks creating flash cards, setting up piano and art lessons and creating a grueling schedule for me and my son to follow each day to make sure he was well prepared for life. The stress nearly killed us both.
When I began looking into Homeschooling as a way to augment what my kids would be getting in their French schooling (we were living in France at the time) to help my kids also learn about their own cultures (British and Canadian) I discovered a book called "Better Late Than Early: A New Approach to Your Child's Education"
I learned that the most important thing I can give my kids as a mom, is a sense that they are deeply loved and valued, and that that love and value have nothing to do with the skills they're learning or the grades their achieving, or what other people think of my family (this is what led me to homeschool in the first place, as I had been adamantly against it up until this time).
When my daughter came along 17 months after my son I was too burned out to do much with the flashcards - post partum depression and her 24/7 crying made just getting us both through the day alive, a real challenge. I did NO educational exercises with her, and now I'm discovering that she's much more relaxed about learning than my son who often stresses out about it.
With that said, let me then share some of the great parenting tips I've learned over time:
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Little Tips
For Babies:I was given some great advice when my babies were small that saved my sanity!
- Right from day one, when the first feeding after 6:00pm is over, put your baby in their PJ's, and put them to bed. This will establish a “bedtime” for them.
- Create a bedtime routine for them right at the beginning. Perhaps it's a bath, a massage, a story, a song, prayers, whatever. Start right at the beginning.
- Do their daytime naps in a busy place. I put my kids down in the living room in a large “moses basket”. Right after they went down I'd vacuum, play the stereo, etc. This would teach them to sleep through noise, and that the afternoon nap was not the same kind of thing as the night time sleep.
- I NEVER tiptoed around the house when the babies slept. I let folks ring the door bell, call me on the phone, had the TV playing, ran the vacuum, etc. Both kids are excellent sleepers!
- Talk to your kids all day when you go about your work. Keep them close and chatter with them. Use playpens, snuggly carriers, lay them on blankets etc. Watch the use of these new snuggly carriers that go everywhere. Kids can't move enough in them. Flat on the floor is a great place for babies.
- Teach babies “no” right from the beginning.
- Babies thrive on a dull routine. Meaning you don't need every new toy or gimmick out there. They need time with both parents interacting.
- When your baby no longer needs a nap, teach them the art of quiet time - playing quietly on their own in a safe place. Do it the same time as nap time used to be. Have special toys, books, and activities just for this time and rotate them often.
- Divide toddler's toys into multiple boxes and use only one box at a time. Rotate them every month or so, so your child has “new” toys regularly.
- Stay away from “do everything” toys. Stick with old-fashioned toys that require imagination. I love Waldorf toys for kids.
- As soon as your child can walk across a room, get rid of the stroller unless you're spending a day shopping. Have your child walk as much as possible. When they want to be carried, say yes, with limits. For example, say, “Ok, you walk to that mailbox, and then I'll carry you to the third tree”. This is great for their physical development. At about 1 year of age, my daughter was walking about 2 miles a day.
- Go outside as much as possible, and let your child play on playgrounds, in sandboxes, and with balls and such as much as possible. This will get out the “wigglies” and will help them develop strong motor control. If you “have things to do” bring what you can along. Play with them for a while, then do your scrapbooking or reading, or bill paying, or whatever you have, while they play on their own. Keep rotating so they learn to play by themselves as well. The outdoor light is very good for them. So is bouncing and spinning.
- While your kids are toddlers, teach them immediate, cheerful obedience. It's hard and taxing to do, but do it. It will make life much easier later on.
- Have regular daily family time. When kids start to fight and bicker it's usually a sign that there isn't enough good family time. It doesn't have to be complicated - read out loud together, go for a walk, visit a museum, share meals together regularly, etc.
- Seriously limit screen time. Force your child to find their own things to do - you are not their entertainment committee. Have things on hand that you can offer as ideas, but let boredom lead them to something useful and creative.
- Work with your child's teacher to keep homework to a minimum at this age. Your children should spend most of their time running around outside and creatively pursuing different interests that they discover themselves.
- Keep their contact with other kids under control. Research has proven that kids who spend their first five years mostly with just their own family develop better social skills, and have better developed brains than kids who spend most of their time with other kids. There are great books on this if you're interested. I would suggest the following:
- Give your kids lots of hugs and words of affirmation - even though they may shun it as teenagers, do it anyway. Especially when their friends aren't around. Make lots of physical contact. If you've never been a physical family, start small - a pat as they walk by, a hand on the shoulder when you're speaking to them, etc. Work slowly up to hugs, then give them often.
- Verbalize your love for them more often than your frustration. For every negative comment, a person needs seven positive ones.
- Create an atmosphere in your home where your child's friends like to hang out. Have them at your place as often as possible so you can keep an eye on things.
- Talk, don't shout.
- Treat your kids courteously - say please and thank you, ask, don't demand. Treat them with respect.
- Listen more than you talk, and ask lots of open ended questions like .What did you enjoy most about school today?. instead of closed questions that can only be answered by yes, no, or a single word, .How was school today?.
- Remember that as parents its our role to ultimately raise healthy adults not healthy big children. We are not here to be their best friends but to have good relationships which allows them a place to share when they need to, a place to find security and love no matter what, a place that encourages them to ultimately stand on their own, confident in their decisions and path in life. And then to let them go. Keep the end in mind!
- Stay involved.
Middle Tips
All of the above tips are great for any level of parenting problems. If you're struggling, though, let me also recommend:
- Get some distance - if your kids are driving you crazy, find a place where you can get some perspective - take a weekend off, get regular time off each week, do whatever it takes to “recharge your batteries”
- Do some research - there's information out there on how to do just about anything. Someone out there has had your problem and found help. Find out how.
- Set your own boundaries. My girlfriend who had her babies the same time I had mine used to say, “I do whatever it takes to get three square meals and a shower every day, even if it means letting the boys cry for a while” Good advice.
- Hold on to your sense of humour
- Don't always try to be right. Allow your kids to respectfully disagree, and do whatever you can to see things from their point of view.
- Allow kids to suffer the consequences of their own mistakes. Stop “saving” them. Otherwise they won't learn wisdom.
- Here's a great e-book with a wonderfully healthy mindset on raising kids: Raise Your Kids Right
- Get some mentoring. Let me work with you to set up a program just for you, to help you re-think your parenting! Click here for details
“Oh My Goodness I Need Serious Help!” Tips
- Seek counsel. Churches, schools and family services all offer counseling at a price you can afford.
- Consider moving. Sounds drastic, I'm sure, but if your child is in a really bad place, a year in the country - away from good transportation that could easily get them back into the problem area - isn't a bad idea and with all the distance working/learning opportunities out there, it's not out of reach. A year or two out of your own life now is worth whatever it costs to keep the family and your kids in a good healthy place.
- Here's a book that might help you:
Here are a few great books on parenting:
- Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers
- 101 Things To Do With Your Kids: Practical Tips for Raising Small Children
- Shepherding Your Child's Heart
- The New Dare to Discipline
- 1001 More Things to Do With Your Kids
- The Way of the Wild Heart: A Map for the Masculine Journey
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